Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
