im having a threesome with these popsicles
Actions speak louder than pants.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize