my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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