I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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