dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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