There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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