I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
