Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
