Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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