Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
