why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
