My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I yelled at your uterus for you.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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