If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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