So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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