So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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