my shit smells like andre
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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