New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
