Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
