i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
