I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
