we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
