oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
This house was built for laser tag.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
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