The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
