Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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