I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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