Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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