i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Randomize
