I never want to see another naked old woman again.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
