I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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