I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
