ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I deserve this hangover.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize