I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
