Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
