yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Non-Jews are for practice
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize