Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
