life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
