My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
