When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
