get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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