I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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