peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
