Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
We had sex on a dog bed..
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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