Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
