did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
