masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Success! We fucked roommates!
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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