you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize