I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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