drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
