I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
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