I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
