Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
