Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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