A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
