Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Randomize
