I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
