so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
