Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
