Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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